IF

If you could see inside of me
The beautiful mess I happen to be
If you could feel the pain wrapped up tight
Bottled up it serves me right


If you could hear the rhythm that my heart sings to
Makes the smile that could break a heart in two
If you could smell the fear that my eyes hide
In the dark holds them open wide


If you could taste my disaster
Passion with a hint of laughter
If I was lonely
If only

<3 ASH

Might As Well Raise Hell Before It Freezes Over

The title has nothing to do with my post, but I'm in Alaska and it sounded clever. It cracked me up at least. Anyway, This week has started out very stressful, but today it all seems to be coming together. My vehicle should be here tomorrow, I hope, it was last tracked in Anchorage which is only a few hours away. Even though We ran out of money a few days ago (because I had paid for my own tickets last pay check) We got a Military Star card today and we get paid tomorrow...finally! I set up our cable, internet, and phone today as well. I'm just really excited about the next couple of days!

Tomorrow I will do major shopping. Groceries, and things for the house to get organized and for decorating. Thursday our furniture arrives and our DVR and internet will be installed. This will be the first time we have had cable where we lived lol. Even though it's supposed to be a four day weekend Jon will probably only get one so whenever that is we are going to try this really amazing Italian restaurant... Even if we do have to take the kids lol. Getting the house together and feeling like a home while Jon is working really hard.

The big dilemma is now whether or not to get a a forty plus inch flat screen television for the living room (even though we have a 22 inch flat screen) or get a living room set. They are both the same price. I know we've already picked out the sofa set but I'm not sure anymore lol. Even though I picked up the wrong shower curtain rods and almost pulled my hair out with my son being oddly bad, I shouldn't be as stressed as I feel. Hoping we get pregnant soon. I know I've been random, but it's been a little hectic. Au Revoir.

If You Want Something Done Right You Have To Do It Yourself

On August 14, 2010 I got on a flight with my two small children by myself from Atlanta, Georgia to Fairbanks, Alaska. Two very long layovers in Denver and Seattle I arrived at my final destination. If it had not been for my own free will and one amazing friend that already lived at Fort Wainwright, AK I would still be at home in Georgia and my husband would have been gone. I paid out of pocket for our tickets worried that I would not get to see my husband before he left. The Day before I had left Fort Eustis, VA had said that they had signed off on our command sponsorship so I thought all was at an end. I was wrong.

Later that week I had called Fort wainwright's office to see if they had received my papers and they told me no. I called back to Fort Eustis and they told me that they were not going to send the papers that since I was there I could give it to them myself. It doesn't work that way. My husband had to apply for it all over again through his unit. If I had waited on Fort Eustis to do their job and get the orders amended we probably would have been in GA for months. If I had not come up His unit would not have given him the choice to stay behind and be with us. Everything happens for a reason. Our Command Sponsorship should be done by the end of next month, but the only reason I need it now is to ship my House Hold Goods. I move into my house TOMORROW! Which ironically is two houses down from where I'm staying with our friends. It's the nicest ones I've seen for three bedrooms! Our car just left Seattle so it should be up here next week or two.

I'm so incredibly blessed! It is so beautiful here and I get to live with my soldier again!No matter how hard things seem to be at the time, it's always worth it in the end. Even if you have to do it yourself.

The first cut is the deepest

My soldier is currently on a plane to Fort Wainwright, Alaska. Saying goodbye is really hard no matter how many times you have to do it. I will never get used to the feeling of my heart breaking when we have to be apart. Any day, his orders will be amended and they will give me and the kids our plane tickets... It's just a matter of time. I'm torn about not being able to go with him. On the one hand I don't get to experience the adventure and the first days at our new home together. On the other I get a little more time with my family and friends.

In the meantime, while I'm stuck in Georgia because Fort Eustis' lack of efficiency and ethic and he is in Alaska, I plan to be positive and very productive. Keep your fingers crossed that all of this gets finished at least this week or the next. It's all up to them, unfortunately, I've done all I could do. Be persistent and corteous if you find yourself in my position. I miss him already. I can't wait to be up there with him to start this exciting adventure together. Army wife strong.

Things Fall Apart

In two days my husband, PV2 Cooper, will be graduating AIT at Fort Eustis, VA. I've been waiting for this day since he left the very first time on January 3rd of this year and it has finally arrived. Twenty nine weeks of not living, seeing, breathing my husband. I thought it would never end. I would finally get to live with him again and have my other half apart of me. Getting assigned Alaska has probably been the most hardest thing I have had to endure being an Army wife. Today I finally fell apart.

Last week I was diagnosed with High-risk HPV that could be giving me cancer. At first I was scared and upset, but my husband and my babies gave me so much strength and inspiration I'm ready for whatever happens. It was today when the EFMP (Equal Family Medical Program) manager told Jon the bad news that crushed me. My civillian Doctor had forgot to inform me that he had referred my daughter to an orthopedic specialist for her boed-legs and requested Aron to be re-screened. Without my daughter seeing the specialist and my son to be screened again, and the paperwork getting processed in time, I will not be allowed to leave for Alaska with my husband. I was devestated.

Going through all of these hardships for all these months without the very man who completed me was about to pay off. Being left behind feels unfair to me. All because a civillian doctor didn't do his job correctly. After breaking into pieces and seeing how hard my husband was trying to fix everything when he was hundreds of miles away,gave me the fuel I needed to step up. I was assertive and luckily I am getting my son seen tomorrow and my daughter to atlanta the next day. After Aeva gets finished we are leaving straight from there to Virginia. I can only do what I have control over and have faith in things that I do not. I'm going to take my soldier home after graduation and enjoy every second of it. If i'm not in Alaska with him on August 3rd I will be up there soon. Never give up. We're Army Strong

Christmas in July (Recieved Orders!)

After twenty two weeks of my husband being in training we had finally recieved orders. Recieving the information of your First Duty Station is like opening a christmas present when your five. You have waited so long in elongated suspense, maybe cried a little for not recieving them yet, that you are just glad to have it. My husband told me that it was Fort Wainwright, Alaska (Which is in Fairbanks). At first I was in complete shock. Korea and Alaska were the top two places I did not want to go. I was on a complete emotional roller coaster a few days afterwards. So many people telling me what I would have to do to go with him. I was frustrated that I had to go through a long drawn out process to even be able to go with my soldier.

Two weeks later, here I am feeling like the luckiest woman in the world. Alaska is going to be the greatest adventure of my life so far. I plan to enjoy every minute of being with my husband and my two babies. I can't wait to explore such a beautiful place. It feels like christmas in July. Long winters just mean more quality time close with my soldier <3.

The difference

What pisses me off is when I hear people say or post things on their facebook or whatever saying " I miss my man "
They most likely just saw their husband that day or will see them in a few days. Don't get me wrong I probably said those things too when Jon worked that night shift at his former job. The difference is they don't know what missing someone really feels like. If they did understand maybe I'd have more friends, because I wouldn't have been abandoned for the main fact they couldn't empathize with my situation. Go nine weeks without the man you love. How about a deployment can you take that ?! I don't know I will be handling it that well. Go whine and bitch and then when I go to say the same things leave me out in the cold.

This is surely another symptom of withdrawal from my soldier. My advice if you find yourself in this situation?! Just Let it all out.

Im a writer not a fighter

I'm a writer. I've been writing stories and poetry since I was in the fifth grade. At this point I'm in the planning stage of writing a completely finished novel. I've tried other times, but needless to say I wasn't serious or cared if it was published. First the really organized out line so I know if the whole scheme and events will naturally flow together and make sense. It makes editing the first draft much easier. I'm a stay at home mom for now while I'm in limbo. I don't have orders yet so I won't have enough time to transfer in the fall. This gives me an oppurtunity to stay to a writing schedule. Although I'm looking for someone to keep me to my goals and to proofread. Jon , my husband is too bias. Any volunteers?

I'm hoping this incredibly difficult yet achievable goal will keep my mind occupied. Like having patience for our orders. It's literally any day now! We have only eight weeks left until we move! And the stresses of trying to have a baby, not to mention the inevitable deployment. I was hoping, if some of you liked to read, if you wanted to read my ideas or a chapter or two on it. It would allow me to get feedback to the specific audience I'm targeting. If you'd like to read my work, comment on this post. I just didn't want to post them if they weren't wanting to be read.

How do you keep from getting bored? lol

I work on my novel, and write poetry, crochet and knit, and read lots of books!

Ask me anything

Ways to know they are not your true friends.

1. If you always listen to their problems, give them advice, and comfort them but they are absent when you say you're having ONE OF THOSE DAYS because you mss your husband... They aren't a true friend.
2. If they always try to out do you to make you jealous or to make you feel sorry for them.
3. If they only talk to you when they want something.
4.If they lose contact with you when you're out of town for a short period of time, and then regain it when you come back.
5. If they lie to you or talk about you behind your back... A given.

I feel like I need to express a valid point not just for the military wives out there, but for people in general. It is better to have one good friend, then a handful of bad friends. Finding out who were my true friends was very hard for me, because all that was left was my husband at first. I was heartbroken. But looking back now that they aren't in my lives my life is better without them. I no longer got taken advantage of or ran over. No one to make me feel like shit when i was already having a bad day. No one to make me feel stupid for missing my husband so much.

Negative, unhealthy people in your life will only turn you into a altered version of themselves. After all in trying to defeat our enemy we in the end become them. If you feel alone and abandoned, there is a reason the people in your past didn't make it to your future. Have patience and beautiful people will come into your life in the right moments. Or at least I'm hopeful.

Poetry

In the rapture of an addiction
The seduction makes you high
The words speaking staggering diction
The intense emotive of the thing

The sensuality of convening lips
Melts the entirety of the soul
And when fingertips trace the curving of the hips
Two smoldering bodies begin to fill the role

Inhaling the euphoric animation
Holding in the moment as the scene turns
The tease of a kiss leaves shivering anticipation
As the cycle of passion churns

The lights flicker out.

Those who love each other shall become invincible.

I've been with my husband since October of my freshman year. Two years older than I am. He was the third boyfriend I had ever had and within the first year I knew he was the one. Controversial to say the least, no one thought it would be forever for us. Our parents tried to separate us on numorous occasions. But here we are practically six years later with our third year wedding anniversary on June 8th. We have been through a lot together. Both with a good share of mistakes and close calls where we didn't think we'd make it. But Basic Combat Training was the hardest thing I've been through yet. And we are stronger than ever.

A week after he had left I had fallen apart. I didn't eat, I skipped the first day of classes, And I didn't sleep. I was not functional except to the extent of taking care of my children. We were stuck At the hip and best friends to say the least. We were so in tune with eachother, and when he was hundreds of miles away from me I felt a big piece missing from my life. It didn't help that I had no help, no support. No one undrstood why I was so sad. One day when all I did was stare at a computer, barely leaving the couch, I was overwhelmed with epiphany. I was wondering how I was going to keep from relapsing from MDD and then it happened. As I was watching all the videos I could about basic training and Fort Jackson, I cried. I felt like at that moment my husband and I were connected. Thinking about each other in the same instant. He was sacrificing everything for me and our babies. The things he would accomplish and go through was much more than I could have ever asked of him. He then became my inspiration and my hero. If he could endure BCT I could be the best I could be. It wa selfish of me to sit around and stop my life, when he was doing this so I could live it.

The letters are what got me through it. We helped eachother stay motivated and positive. I'm not really sure how exactly I kept from falling apart, there were instances in where I wasn't myself, but the fact is we survived. And I've fallen in love with him all over gain. I'm a stronger person for the things I've gone through so far in my life. But together we are invincible.

Planning is pain

My life is not my own. I am married to property of the United States Army. That's exactly what they can say too. One of my husbands fellow AIT students got an Article 15 of the UMJC because he got sunburned very badly. They said it was destruction Or damage of government property. I do what they say, and go where they say. Don't expect to know what those things are until the last minute either. You don't know until you have to know. Planning something is almost impossible. They can change things at any given moment. When I look at the way the Army is structured I just shake my head not surprised it's run by men.

In nine weeks I will be moving to our FDS, but don't ask me where because I don't know yet. Of course the thing that irritates me the most is not knowing and doing things at the last minute. But as some will learn you have to change your perception to have a happier outcome. I have to look at it like we are being
spontaneous, lovers just acting on a whim to move somewhere new to escape our old shadows that we called our lives. Creative I thought anyway. If I didn't see things like I do now I'd still be the same scared and depressed woman I was when my husband was shipped to Fort Jackson to become a soldier.

I've learned not to try to plan with such high verocity and fervor. Heart break will be the outcome most times if I do. First I thought I could move with my husband to his AIT not realizing that when his orders said we could move at our own expense that we wouldn't have our BAH instead of just having to pay for the move itself. I thought it would be cheaper then driving every weekend to see him when he got those privelages. I was told just go once a month to see him no big deal. I had already got everything into place to move until his officers finally told him we'd lose the money we use to pay our rent. Needless to say no summer classes and no more beautiful house. My landlord wouldn't take back my notice.

Luckily I did get permission to stay up in Virginia (which is where my husband is) for a month. Which was perfect because we planned on having another baby. In June I planned on living with my mother to save money and come up in July which is when my husband graduates then we will be to our FDS. So we tried to get pregnant every chance we got. Which lead to my next demise. A couple days after I tested positive at home I started to bleed in pain. Next day I went to the hospital. They told me I wasn't pregnant. I had either lost it or the test had been false they weren't sure which.

I cried more than you know, and thought to myself I don't want try again. Then it clicked. I had two beautiful babies laughing and smiling calling me mommy. It was them I still have to live for and enjoy them. We will get pregnant when it's right. We won't stop trying. Just remember it's the way you look at a situation that determines how you handle it. You can't change what isn't under you're control. As for planning. Be flexible ;)

We live in a different world.

Someone once told me that a military wife is just like any other woman. Well if you are in fact a wife of a service member you know differently. The way I see it if that was in fact true we would still have our same friends. We'd never feel isolated. Things wouldn't be so different. Our husbands chose this job, I will freely admit that. But it doesn't make it any less harder or lonely. The military life and civilian life is different in so many ways and the only ones who can truly be there for you and understand is someone who has or is going through the same thing.

I find myself in limbo. A transition if you will. I've left the civillian world. No more civillian friends. No husband at my side. But I haven't arrived at my destination either. No Army wife friends. Haven't been stationed yet let alone get orders. Who I thought were my true friends have stopped hanging out with me, then has pretty much stopped talking altogether. The reason for this isn't exactly clear, but never the less it leaves me alone in a world of unfimiliarity and frustration. To those of you who read this don't get the impression that I'm saying that being an army wife means I'm better than you. But also don't belittle our situation. I doubt you could easily walk in our shoes. We are much stronger than most woman. Unique in our own kind. And until you've experienced the life of an Army wife you aren't entitled to a different opinion. If we were all the same you my friend wouldn't have abandoned me when I needed someone the most. It's survival of the fittest.

I've created this blog to first and formost vent and express myself when I find myself alone. But hopefully I might inspire women and give strength. After all it's hard to go through the things you have to go through as a military spouse. Even harder when you find yourself alone. If this is a pointless effort on either accounts I'll just look at this as my diary. Feel free to comment or ask me questions. Maybe I'll have some followers that lead to friendships. Goodnight.

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